Joyful journeying

The freshness of spring is fading

2007-05-29T07:14:14Z

It's cloudy. There is no sign of blue in the cloud-covered sky. It's warm and still. Birds are chirping. In the distance a lawn mower is humming, and overhead, a plane. Everything is green except the fading purple flowers of the chive plants and the fading yellow-orange tulip tree blossoms. The sun is trying to shine through the clouds. My brain still feels cloudy too. Perhaps the sun will also break through there. I just noticed bean-like seed pods hanging from the redbud. I've never noticed those before. I think pollen from the taller trees has finished. This is the weekend that marks the official beginning of summer, and the stillness of the air seems appropriate for the onset of summer. The freshness of spring is fading like my flowers.

I have nothing on my calendar today until tonight when we are going to see Shakespeare in the park. The neighbor's yellow cat just walked past my chair making his morning rounds. He gave me a glance as he passed as if to question why I was sitting here in his territory, but moved right on judging me harmless. I am not usually here when he passes by. More frequently, I see him as he rounds the house in the front yard. If I were to get a kitten, I suppose it would have to stake its own claim to this territory--justify its right to be here. Or perhaps they would learn to co-exist as this cat does with others in its household. When we lived in our former house, several of the neighborhood cats coexisted and sat near each other in our several yards. When we moved here, our cat had an even harder time adjusting than our 6th grade daughter. His short forays out of the house were limited for months, but he finally let his presence be known and made it his home for sixteen more years. He staked his claim to his territory and made his rounds, but his sitting remained solitary, companionless.

My exercise program seems to be totally shot and I need somehow to motivate myself to begin again. I do my stretches as I wake. Last night I did them before dawn before going back to sleep after waking briefly in the night. But I haven't been taking the time for a walk although the season is perfect for it. I get involved in other projects and then it is night or time to prepare a meal, and the time goes by; another day passes without walking. We were going to take a hike this weekend, but my husband has hurt his back. It is too uncomfortable for him to walk. And my to-do list for the week is still long while the week is over today. We need to finish maintenance on the car so that we can plunge into fixing up the porch. It is the season for enjoying the porch. It is past the season for working on it. Memorial Day is the official time to begin spending time on the porch. Other activities--outside activities--are coming to an end. I should be able, on these long summer days, to find time to walk as well as work. Perhaps, since my 10 pm tv shows are also all almost finished for the season, I can get to bed earlier and get up earlier and make good used of the blessed longer hours of daylight that summer is giving me. Right now, however, I feel like this still and cloudy day.

A Time of Change and Transition

2007-05-29T06:47:23Z

Now we're done with the shed. We had to figure out how to run an extension cord into it so we could keep the batteries on a trickle charge. My husband had to enlarge the vent hole under the eaves. We fixed up an arrangement for the batteries so that we will not have to lift them when we transfer them between the shed and the car. I think we need to buy more battery tenders. We finally have all the boating things in the shed. Today when I come home from my writing group, perhaps we can change the oil in the car and do other car maintenance. It doesn't look like we will get to working on the porch this week. Next week maybe.

It is pleasant in my yard this morning. Bright sun. Enthusiastic birds. Yesterday we put the jug bird house my grandchildren got for me in Williamsburg (several years ago) up on a post of the privacy fence right near the kitchen porch. I don't know if any birds will find it. It may be too late for this season. One year we had it up under the eaves, and sparrows came. It was precarious there, however, and, after the birds finished with it, my husband took it down before it fell. This new location is a nestled-in place among the clematis vines and the redbud--a good place if they find it and do not think it is too close to the kitchen door. Perhaps it will not be occupied until next spring.

Today is another ending. For about a year, our writing group at Life With Cancer has been doing autobiographical writing. This is the last session. We will break for summer before starting something new in the fall. I will miss it. I will miss the writing, but even more, I will miss this group of women. I'll see them from time to time over the summer in other activities, but having this group is very special. So today is a celebration and a sadness at the same time. We have shared much of each other's lives, and I have gotten to know each of them better through our writing together.

Things seem to come to an end at this time of year. Of course other things start. This is a season of graduations, of weddings, of people ending one phase of their life and beginning another. Tomorrow we are celebrating a granddaughter. She turned 18 this spring and is finishing her high school work. Graduation, the finishing of high school is also called commencement, the beginning of something new. Taking on new responsibilities. Going to work. Going to college. Becoming responsible for your own decisions. Moving from a parent's home and guidance to being out on your own Of course, this granddaughter will not yet move out on her own. She will continue to live in her parents' house and still be subject to her parents' rules, but she is looking for a summer job, and she intends to go to junior college this fall. She is moving toward independence. As will be our grandson in another month. These two grandchildren, born on the same day in March 18 years ago, are ending a phase of their lives, their high school years, and will be moving on to something different. They will have major changes in their lives. He will go away to college--a huge transition step. She will remain at home, but for the first time she will be away from her family and under the influence of other adults. She has been home schooled, so going out to work outside of her home and going to formal classes at Junior college will be just as major a change in her life. This is an exciting time for both of them. And like my class today, I am sure it has some touch of sadness for each or them--childhood's end. Excitement, yes, but perhaps also a little apprehension too about what the future will hold. Going out on your own, away from the comfortable and familiar, takes courage. Our grandson has had more experience with this--going to day care, to public schools, changing schools as he moved from day care to elementary school to middle school and to high school, going away to camp, participating in sports teams, and having the freedom to ride his bicycle around their town. For our granddaughter, it will all be new. Her only outside experience has been with church and 4-H, and her parents have participated with her and accompanied her in these activities. This summer she will go on a trip with a church group and be away from home for the first time. She will find a job and leave the house each day to go to work. In the fall, she will go daily to attend classes at the junior college. Although she will continue to live at home, this is a time of major changes for her. She will have an opportunity to learn more about the world, but she will also have an opportunity to learn more about herself, her own strengths and weaknesses, as she learns to cope in the world.

A peaceful evening on the water with mountain laurel and a pileated woodpecker

2007-05-29T06:14:11Z

We're out on the water eating our picnic lunch (dinner actually I guess). The sun has moved away into the woods, and we are now in shade. Somehow we got a late start to our day on the water, and it was about 4:30 pm before we were actually out in the boat. We didn't have to worry about sunscreen going that late. We're in a quiet peaceful cove. I've been watching birds on the shore looking for insects. When we first got here, I saw a pileated woodpecker with its bright red top notch. I didn't hear him cry or his loud deep drumming sound. I'm facing towards the shore and looking at the woods in dappled sunshine. Everything is very fresh and green. Sitting here with the woods and the water reminds me of pleasant times camping along a lake. I think though that I am no longer up to going camping in a tent with all the things you have to pack up to get ready. It is much easier just to come here for the day and go home to my comfortable bed and waterproof house at night. Having a lake house might be nice, but that involves a lot of maintenance and worry too. As it is, we can just toss the boating things into the car and come up here whenever the spirit moves us.

I think Tuesday has become our day for yard work. Yesterday we raked the leaves from the magnolia tree for today's yard waste pickup. I even added some vines and weeds to the can. We mowed and edged the lawn. It ended up taking all the time we had, and I even had to finish a small part of the lawn this morning. If we dedicate Tuesdays to yard work, we will get it done regularly. I've dedicated Thursdays on my calendar to boating so we will do that regularly too, but it hasn't worked out that way. Instead, I look at the weather forecast at the beginning of the week and coordinate our schedule with the best weather for boating. So far it has worked out, and we've gone just about every week.

It's time to move on. I just heard the pileated woodpecker's call, but I didn't see him this time. It is getting cooler. Next time we come, I will have to remember to bring my windbreaker. I'll have to find it first. Mountain laurel is in bloom. We just passed a large mountain laurel bush in the fading sunshine. I feel really fortunate to have this wonderful place to go to and a wonderful husband to share it with me.

8:14 pm-We are back at the launching ramp. Our car is loaded up and our boat is safely back at its mooring stake on shore. The daylight is fading fast. I think that we will have to wait until morning to unload the boating things into the new shed.

Musings about my back yard

2007-05-29T05:55:14Z

Birds are singing. The sky is pale blue with puffy clouds on the horizon. At this moment, it is quiet except for the birds and a far-away humming of cars and an airplane; however, workmen are working nearby, and the stillness in my back yard has been interspersed with the loud intrusion of a chain saw buzz, hammering, and the sound of shovels digging in the earth. Across the fence, I can hear the quiet murmur of voices speaking in Spanish. In the not too far future, we too will interrupt the quiet with the roar of our lawn mower and perhaps even a leaf blower if my husband blows our magnolia leaves instead of my raking them. We can't have the peace and quiet all the time. Work must get done. The voices get louder as the workmen discuss their strategy. And now a loud hammer, or axe fall, punctuates the air. The air is fairly still. Only a few leaves on the redbud flutter.

There are several redbud plants starting to grow in my "herb garden", the small patch at the edge of my kitchen porch that is mostly otherwise overrun with mint leaves. I think I'll let the redbud take over. It is a good space for them. The clematis that begins in this patch of earth seems to be thriving and is starting to climb better up the porch railing. One vine is climbing the metal tubing that houses the wiring for our hot tub. I see no sign of any blossoms though. Perhaps the clematis will not bloom this year since it was covered up for so long with the fencing waiting to be put up. I think that possibly this area is more suitable for redbuds and clematis than for herbs. or perhaps an herb garden needs more attention than I am willing to give it. The sage which lived for years has died. The rosemary faded away a few winters ago. The oregano is gone. Only the persistent mint survives. Perhaps I can put in a few basil plants and some parsley for this summer while the redbud is still small. Oh--looking closer, I see that the hibiscus is coming back up. I did not destroy it. So, in a month or so, I may yet have those large bright pink hibiscus blooms.

I would like to make a few more flat spots in my back yard. The edge of our hot tub deck is good for meditation. I can sit on the flat wooden surface and support my back on the hot tub and cross my legs on the grass that is just a low distance below. It seems to be just the right height and makes a good place to sit and meditate in the sunshine. Before we put in the hot tub, I used to do my exercises on this deck. But the space for exercising is no longer there. Even our patio slopes a little too much to do all of my exercises comfortably. And in this season, the most level area of the patio is in the deep shade in the morning. All of the lawn area slopes. I'd like to pave the area between the hot tub and the new privacy fence with the slate patio stones we have so we can walk with bare feet and not bring in mud or dirt to the hot tub. I'd like to make a small flat area for a chair on this side of the fence. But I'm not sure where there is a good area that can be made flat enough to stretch out my body to exercise. I will have to study the situation a little more.

Making time for Art in my life

2007-05-29T05:29:50Z

It is breezy, but I'm in a sheltered place and the sun is shining right on my face. A cardinal is singing, and other birds are twittering. Trucks are rumbling on the Beltway. The only flowers I have in my yard right now are dandelions and clover on the lawn, tulip flowers on the tulip tree, and light purple chive blossoms. I should try using them in a salad some time. My husband will probably be quite surprised if I do.

This is a week of endings. I guess when things end though, new ones begin. Our shed is all finished except for screwing down the floor. We worked on it all last week. It took over all my time and focus. We finally got the roof on yesterday afternoon. Today we will put in the screws to fasten it down to the foundation. The next time we go boating, we can put the boating things directly from the car into the shed. We were so busy working on the shed for the boating things last week, we didn't take the time to go boating. Ironic, isn't it? This week is supposed to be a beautiful week. Wednesday looks like the best day for boating. We can go early and come home with enough time to arrange things in the shed because we have no evening plans.

Yesterday I had my last creativity class at church. Spring Bee is over. I didn't stay for the picnic, but I left my things for display. On my way home from dance today I'll pick them up. I still have projects unfinished--I have one paper mache bowl with the base paint on, one smaller one prepped but still unpainted. Some day, in my leisure time(?), when I want a project, I will have to finish them. I think I want to mount my labyrinth colored pencil mandala. It was fun dong the art work, but I felt like time for each of the sessions (1 1/4 hours) was too short.
I got into doing things in class, but there was not time enough to keep on going as long as I wanted. I guess that's the trouble with a scheduled class. The advantage is that you actually sit down and do it. I probably wouldn't on my own. I think it will be offered again next year, but I'm not sure if I will do it again. I probably should take more time to allow art into my life. The instructor said I have good artistic instincts. I think it is more that I don't have any fear about it. I'm not afraid to plunge in and just do it. But I do enjoy it. It is hard to imagine making it a priority in my life though. I think for this summer my artistic inclinations will go into doing things for my home and I will limit my creations to greeting cards. When I have spare time, I'd rather spend it walking or writing or just enjoying being outdoors. Perhaps when winter keeps me inside, I will make more time for art in my life.

Man the torpedos--full steam ahead!

2007-05-29T05:11:23Z

I haven't written in this journal for days and days. I haven't wanted to take time out during the day from working on our shed project whenever I can. And at night, after meetings, etc, I am too sleepy to write. The shed project is coming along well. Perhaps we will get it finished today. The foundation is finished except for drilling pilot holes and screwing in the screws that hold the plywood to the 2 x 4 base. It is level. Everything came out just as we planned. It is challenging and satisfying to work on a project like this. It sometimes takes a lot of figuring out. Yesterday we spent most of our time working on the 3/4" plywood. I marked all of the boards and existing screw holes on the plywood so that we can see where it is safe and secure to put the screws--for both mounting the plywood and attaching the shed floor. We want to be sure they will go into the boards and also that they won't hit another screw. There is always a lot of fine tuning to be done as we go along, so it takes us a longer time to do anything. It's a lot of fun as long as there is not time pressure. I like the challenge of figuring out how things should go. We ended up filling in the space where the boards were above ground with rocks so there will be something solid underneath. We both had leg cramps during the night as our newly used muscles protested. We are both tired this morning. We worked until dark last night--through lunch (dinner) until after 9 pm. I had hoped we could have the foundation completed and the plywood screwed on, but I forgot about the rocks.

If we can get to the screwing this morning, we may be able to get the shed erected today, and I can move on with ordinary life. I get so involved when I am working on a project that it is hard for me to focus on anything else like taking my walks and writing this journal or straightening up the house, or even making meals. I want to keep focusing and working on something until I finish. It is the same with anything I do that I really get involved in--even reading a book. (I did read a book this week too.) I like to stay with something until I finish. I guess that is a tendency toward compulsive behavior. Or just having trouble with transitions. I have trouble getting started on things, and then when I finally get started, I have trouble stopping. I skipped my dance this week because it was right in the middle of the day this week, and I would have trouble starting work early, stopping in time to get ready to go, and starting again when I got back. We didn't go boating on Tuesday. I called and said I would not go to a book discussion group in Virginia on Friday because I wanted to work on the shed instead. Last night I worked right through the opening of a show of mandalas on silk I hoped to go to. And today we are skipping an early morning program about Living with Cancer. Partly we are skipping it because we are tired and it was too hard to get going in time to get there at 8:30 am, but I would really prefer to stay home and work on the shed even though I got dressed in time to go and will have to change into work clothes.

I'd really like to get this shed finished. I enjoy working on it, and I don't want to rush through it. I'm not feeling impatient to be finished or tired of working on it. I want to take the time to do it just right. And we are. But I will really be happy to have it finished so I won't resent having to go to do other things instead of working on it.

We did do some other things. We took our Mother's Day outing. We went to our aging group, and I was able to walk there. Thursday night I went to a meeting. I had to miss another meeting my husband went to and I was supposed to go to. (I have finally discovered I really can't be at two places at one time no matter how much I want to.) My husband dropped me off, and I walked around the neighborhood for about an hour before my meeting started. I think my husband was late for his meeting though because we worked too late on our shed project to get done in time to eat a leisurely dinner and leave with ample time.

In the evenings, I have another project. I'm taking a creativity class at church Sunday mornings. Last Sunday we worked on paper mache, but in order to finish the project next Sunday (our last meeting) we had to take the project home and add layers to it every day. It is formed on a balloon, and last night it occurred to me that I feel a little about this paper mache covered balloon like an egg that you are given to tend to. Every night I need to take it out, cover it with pieces of newspaper, and lovingly stroke it with wallpaper paste. Mine is going to be a bowl. I've put a base on it and have used up all of the wallpaper paste, so the next step will be to remove the balloon from inside and cut it. That's a little frightening. I hope I can cut it right. If I can get that done, I'll be ready to start painting it on Sunday. I think the teacher doesn't think we will get our projects all finished on Sunday, and we'll have to take them home to finish. I have no vision of how I want to paint it. I think it will come to me when I get started. Some things I like to plan, like the shed foundation. Others, like these creativity projects, I like to see how they will unfold from just a glimpse of an idea. It's nice to be able to do things either way. I guess that means that both my left and my right brain are functioning.

From the volumes I've written this morning, I can see that I really need to write every day. It takes me too long to catch up. I like it here sitting in the sun and writing and listening to the birds and the wind chimes. I've missed it. Now, if only we can get done our shed in time today that I can take a walk in the evening. Wouldn't that be a wonder!

I'm writing on the porch because that's where the sunshine is. In summer, the sun does not get around to my patio until later in the morning. I need to monitor areas of my yard I'd like to put flower beds in so I can see how much sun they actually get. Perhaps that will not happen this spring. Perhaps I will wait to plant bushes until the fall and prepare flower beds for next spring. I feel too busy to do everything that runs through my mind.

Right now, I'm happy to be sitting here in the sunshine on my porch instead of munching muffins and drinking orange juice at the cancer program. The most appealing part of the program, a fifteen minute guided imagery exercises at the end, is really the only thing I will miss about it. I think sitting here and soaking up the sunshine and listening to the birds will benefit me just as much. Perhaps I will even take time to meditate before I eat my breakfast and get to work. I think I'll save my stretches until evening so my legs won't cramp again tonight.

A perfect day for.....almost anything you have to be doing

2007-05-16T06:06:57Z

What a beautiful morning. Today we'll have a touch of summer again, then it will rain tomorrow and get cooler again. Right now there is a slight breeze. Birds are singing in all directions. I should have found my jug bird house and put it up on the post that holds our fence section by the hot tub up. Maybe it's not too late. Today is a day for getting lots of work done. Last night we drilled holes in our 4x4 boards. I just took them out, so after breakfast we can pound them in and have the area ready for building the foundation for our shed. It is starting to look quite doable, but we work very slowly. I don't think we can finish today, but I wish we could. Everything is cut, so maybe things will go fairly quickly once we get to working on it. If we can get the platform up today, I'll be delighted. I don't think there is any way we could get the whole shed up. We need to mow the lawn first. It's going to rain tomorrow and we have tall weed grasses already. It definitely needs to get done before the rain.

Tomorrow we have our aging group. I'm hoping to walk, but I think my husband will have to drive instead of riding his motorcycle. The rain is supposed to come before the meeting is over. If he drives, I can ride home with him if it is raining. I didn't walk yesterday. I probably won't have time to walk today. But I will be doing yard work and manual labor, and that counts for something too.

I thought we would work on this shed project over the weekend, but my husband said we should do something special and fun for Mother's Day. We were going to go to a fancy restaurant, but they only had seating at the bar, so we decided to go there another day instead. We ended up having a great lunch at the Silver Diner. They even gave me a perfect red rose. I'm so glad they are now serving vegetarian entrees. My dinner was delicious and healthy too. But I cheated and had a chocolate velvet pie for desert. It was loaded with whipped cream. And yummy. I can't say that I exercised it off either. We went to Great Falls and walked down the towpath to the boardwalk to the falls overlook. That was a pleasant walk, but not enough to work off that rich dessert. I haven't been very good with keeping to my fitness routine. I'll try to do better this week, nutritionally anyway. With so many projects to work on, I don't think I'll get to going to the Y this week. I already know I won't walk every day, but I'll try hard to walk five days. Today though, I'm going to focus on getting the lawn mowed and working on the shed. It would have been a perfect day to go boating, but we really can't spare the day today to do it. Perhaps if we get the shed done and the lawn mowed and the house cleaned up, we can go later in the week.

I have the habit of putting in holds at the library for books I hear about that interest me. Often there are long waits and unfortunately often several come at once. That's the case right now. I have four books waiting to be picked up at the library, only one to return. We have to do that today too. I think, though, that that is our only errand, so it won't take much time from our projects. My husband said he might go on his motorcycle since he won't be able to ride it to the meeting tomorrow. Today is a perfect day for riding a motorcycle. A perfect day for boating. A perfect day for walking in the park. But it is also a perfect day for doing yard work and working outdoors on our shed project. It is a perfect day for doing whatever you want to do or have to do.

A Thank-you note to my body

2007-05-12T07:59:36Z

Today in writing class, we focused on health and body image. The theme of the day was "Our Biography is our Biology." We drew an outline of a body and colored it to reflect the effects our history had on our body and the things about our body people normally do not see. We read a poem about a woman looking at her naked body in a full length mirror. She first sees the scars from her mastectomy, but slowly she notices other interesting things about her body she never noticed before. At the end she glimpses the swan, the lioness and the ancient woman that are also reflections of aspects of herself. In thinking about my own body, I wrote the following:

To My Body, with Gratitude

My feet carry me wherever I go,
My legs are strong.
They connect to the earth and support me.
I endure.

My arms lift to the sky--reach for the light.
They reach out to connect with others--
To help and be helped.
My hands clasp another's.
They do whatever task I need them to,
Or they can rest lightly on my lap as I sit in the stillness.
They are gnarled with the wisdom of my life's experience.
My shoulders are strong and wide to bear whatever comes.
They can be leaned on, or do the leaning.

My body is solid and strong.
Yet as I dance, it moves lightly,
Reflecting the spirit inside.
I dance through life with openness and joy.

My heart beats strong and steady.
It supports my limbs and organs as I climb hills and mountains.
It opens to love.
It is full and expanding.

My eyes are open, clear.
They take in all they see
And send it to my heart and brain.

My mouth is smiling and open.
It opens to speak my truth,
But it knows when to be still
So that my ears and my heart can listen.

Riding the Rails

2007-05-12T07:42:11Z

I'm on a Metro train, in a dark tunnel, speeding under the earth. I've decided to take the Metro to Virginia instead of driving. I did it when my car was out of service a few years ago, so I know it is doable. I'll get my walk in at the same time I save money. Going to my class by car costs over $6 now since it is a 40-mile round trip and gas is over $ 3.00 a gallon. Using my senior farecard costs less than that, and I am reducing my carbon footprint. It is a virtuous and invigorating thing to do. And I get to sit here and do my writing at the same time. Going by Metro instead of by car takes more planning though. I have to allow more time. Perhaps not more time in total though if you count time to go for my walk as well as time to commute to my class--just more lead time in leaving. I can't dash off at the last minute. I had to rush my breakfast and not wait as long from taking pills to eating because I did not get up early enough. I could have skipped breakfast, but I did not want to do that. I will be hungry enough for lunch as it is by the time I get home. You can't eat on the train, so I couldn't take it with me. I had to walk as fast as I could, and my heart beat hard as I hurried up the hill. I left later than I planned. I was hoping to allow 30 minutes to get to the station by 8:59. It took me 22 minutes to get there, but I got a train at 9:04 so that should be ok. I have to change trains at Metro center, so whether I get to my class on time depends on how often the train I need to transfer to runs and how fast I can walk from the station to my class. I don't have to worry about Beltway traffic, however. I should be ok and can feel virtuous.

It was a pleasant walk to the station. It must have rained last night or early this morning because the ground was wet and the air felt very fresh. The grassy field in the park was covered with yellow buttercups. Now we are above ground, and I can look out the window. We will soon be approaching the building where my husband used to work, and then we will go underground again for the rest of the trip. Out of my window, I see locust trees blooming along the railroad track. I see the bus station where we picked up our friend a few weeks ago. I can see the Washington Monument. It's pleasant riding the Metro and looking out the window. And it is also interesting looking at the people. In Silver Spring we have a mural with penguins commuting on the Metro. They reflect the expressions of the people I can see all around me. There is a young man listening to his I-pod with his headphones. I think he must be listening to a lecture or audio book, because he is listening intently and not moving to music. Perhaps he is a student reviewing his class lecture. A woman in a green and black polka dotted dress is chewing gum and reading a magazine. I can't see its cover from here. She turns as we stop to check what station we are at, puts her magazine and glasses in her bag, and gets ready for her stop which must be coming up soon. As is mine. In one more stop we will be at Metro Center, and the rush will be on.

Wow! My transfer train was waiting when I got down the escalator. I don't think I will have any problem getting there on time. How lucky can you get! I left late. My first train came in one minute, and this one was waiting for me. Fortune is smiling on me. I think this is going to be a very good day.

And here we are hurtling through space again--underground, under the Potomac River, into Virginia. I'm in a tiny cubicle in the back of the car. No more rush. I can just relax. The only thing I have to worry about is that I might relax so much I'll miss my station. I did that once when I was going downtown to a medical appointment. Now we are at the station near my daughter's house. It took a little less than an hour to get here from home--not that much longer than driving. I guess when I can't drive any more, I could manage my life so I could get around to most places using public transportation. Except that if I was in such a condition that I couldn't drive any more, I wouldn't be in condition to walk to and from the Metro Station either. I'd need a ride to Metro. From our house, I couldn't take a bus. There is a bus stop three blocks from our home, but the bus runs only during rush hour. I'd have to walk half a mile to get the bus, just as impossible for the frail elderly as walking to the Metro. More accessible public transportation is certainly important when you no longer drive or are disabled. I think this is the reason we have so many senior citizens who, even though they know it is no longer safe for them to drive, are reluctant to give up their driver's licenses. Giving up driving is giving up their independence and their ability to participate in everyday community activities, to get to see family and friends, even to go to medical appointments on their own. As more and more people live longer, we are going to have to spend some of our imagination and resources to design and construct effective public transportation systems. It is not only important for seniors, it is important for the ecology and viability of our earth. We need attractive viable alternatives to millions of cars on the road.

Overcoming Inertia

2007-05-12T06:56:22Z

It's cloudy with occasional peeks of sunshine. It may rain a few sprinkles, but I doubt it. Birds are singing. Breeze is blowing. My peony flowers need to be deadheaded. The blossoms on the tulip tree are opening and outshining the faded wisteria. The clematis vine seems not to have been harmed by disturbing it to put up the fence section, but there are not any signs of blooming. I'm afraid I cut off the new growth of the hibiscus thinking it was a weed. I don't see any sign of new growth. My garden could use a lot of tending.

My husband got a good job done this morning. He went up on the roof and cleaned out the gutters with a gas leaf blower and then a hose. He's been wanting to do that for a number of weeks. I didn't think it needed it, but I was wrong. Lots of debris came down when he blew it. I'm going to the dentist in a little while, but when I get home, we should work on making the level place to put up our shed. We've scoped out the best spot for it. Now we need to take out the level, get some boards and stones and make it level. It's a little daunting, but shouldn't be too hard. The hardest part of most jobs is getting started. I have a great tendency toward inertia. It is hard to get started, but once I get going, I keep on rolling along and don't want to stop. Real life takes a lot of starting and stopping. You can't always start a project and keep going until you finish. That's what we like to do, but my calendar is dotted with appointments like this dentist appointment, a class tonight, my writing group tomorrow, and, of course, meals to fix and eat.

On Saturday there is a ThyCa conference. I had planned to go, but it will take all day. I'm not sure whether the information I would gain will be worth it or whether I would be better off working on things at home. I'm an old hand at thyroid cancer now. I've been living with it for twelve years. The conference is in Baltimore and just driving there and back will take almost two hours. Perhaps I will wait until next year's conference that will be closer to home and skip this one. I've never done that before. They always have good speakers and useful information, but it is especially helpful to those who are newly diagnosed or going through treatments. It is good to get together with everyone, but perhaps this year I will be better off to skip it and get momentum going on projects at home. A whole day of concentrated work on our home projects may be the best medicine for me right now.

Right now I'd better stop worrying ahead about what I'm going to do over the weekend and get dressed and get moving to the dentist's office. It is a nice walk there and back, so I will not only be going to my medical appointment and taking care of my teeth, I will be getting my walk in and taking care of my whole body and spirit. The sun is out again now, and the clouds are dissipating. The weather is inviting me to get off my duff and walk.

Herons Galore! High in trees, and on the shore.

2007-05-10T05:31:12Z

It's a dreary day. No sunshine, no shadows. The sky is all cloudy and gray. The temperature is moderate. I don't need long sleeves but would be cool in shorts. I think it is soon going to rain. I'm glad we went to the water yesterday instead of today. Yesterday was a perfect day for being on the water. The water was still cold though. We saw a boat capsize and pulled it to shore so the people clinging to it could walk to shore and get their boat upright. They were very cold and I was sorry we were not able to pull them faster. The rope they had was short and my husband had to row instead of using our small electric motor. I'm not sure that would have pulled much stronger. Another boatload of young men came and helped and then towed them to the ramp after they got the boat upright again. It was a good day to be out ON the water, but not a good day to be IN the water.

The mountain laurel were in full bloom on the reservoir. And there were many herons. Probably more than I've seen in one day before. There were herons along the shore and perched high in trees. One heron was sunbathing on a bush along the shore with its wings spread out. I wished I had my camera along so I could have taken a picture. It looked like the herons liked the sunshine as much as I did. A little verse kept running through my head:

Pink mountain laurel.
Herons galore.
High in trees and on the shore.

Today we need to go to Sears to pick up our shed. And we need to figure out just where we want to put it. It is a shed for the boating things, so it needs to be in the front yard, near the driveway. We had thought about putting it right on the driveway along the wall. That would assure that it would have a good level surface. Another thought is to put it under our magnolia tree. It would look more unobtrusive there and still be very accessible to the driveway. We could use the patio blocks we looked at at Home Depot to make a good level foundation for it. But we need to examine that possibility more to be sure the shed will fit there ok. If only we had waterfront property and could have our boat and shed for boating things right there. I think the WSSC would frown on our putting up a shed near the boat launching area. On the other hand, as my husband pointed out, there are lots of problems you encounter when you own waterfront property. Having the boat at the reservoir gives us all the advantages of being at that beautiful place with none of the worries of waterfront ownership, upkeep and repair. We are so lucky to have a place like that to go to. Yesterday we might even have seen an eagle.

A Morning of Reflection in a Garden

2007-05-10T04:16:14Z

In our gathering at Green Springs Garden Park, two quotes spoke to me:

"Learn to be still in the midst of activity, to be vibrantly alive in repose." Indira Gandhi

"Nature takes us into the tranquility of her stillness if we visit her. We slip into her quiet contemplation and inhabit for awhile the depth of her ancient belonging. Somehow we seem to be one with the rhythm of the universe." John O'Donahue (Eternal Echoes)

The second speaks to what I have felt for quite some time. I find many connections to the universe in nature and in stillness. The first speaks to what is awakening in me now--to carry this meditative feeling with me and be fully alive and in the moment, whatever I am doing and wherever I am.

We were asked to reflect on what season is it that your internal landscape is experiencing. The physical season all around me is spring. I am in the late autumn of my life. But I think that right now my internal season is a renewal of spring. Like a perennial or a bulb that has been dormant over the winter, I am awakening. Many things are growing and greening in my life. I feel the refreshment, renewal and joy of springtime.

As I strolled through the garden and the woodland paths, I wrote the following words:

Reflections on Walking in a Garden

The scent of lilacs
Children running relay races--
Dainty little girls, raucous boys---
My daughter always won first prize on field day.
When I was a child, I always came in last,
But it didn't really matter.
The joy and freedom of running free
On a bright spring day was the prize.

Birdsong,
Sunlight,
Columbine that remind me of climbing
Columbine Peak that summer in the Sierras
When we were into bagging peaks.

A toddler singing
and a little girl clutching two large pine cones
in her hand as she runs to catch up.
Memories of other gardens, other times in my life,
As I sit here nurturing the garden of my soul.

New growth on pine,
Velvety pansies,
A towhee in an oak tree
Singing "chipper chee".
I watched for a long time before I spotted him.

I remember rolling down the lawn
at my friend's country home a few years ago,
Blowing bubbles in the sunlight
and letting them fly with the wind.
Even here in the park there are dandelion puffs,
Nature's bubbles of spring.

Red showing already on the rosebuds,
The sound of children playing at a creek,
Wild azaleas,
Trillium!
A babbling stream.

Too short this time in the garden.
I'll have to carry it home in my heart
To savor another day.

Old pictures bring back memories unless they are a mystery

2007-05-09T18:26:04Z

It is cool this morning but very sunny. Birds are singing raucously. My peonies are already beginning to fade. We have lots of projects to work on, but today we are not going to work. This morning I am going to a spirituality group in a park to connect with the energy of the season and have a time of renewal. This afternoon we are going boating. My husband has already packed the car. I will try to make our lunch to take along before I leave this morning. Yesterday was a day of rushing around. Today is a day of renewal. Perhaps tomorrow our new shed will come. Then tomorrow will be a day of working. We looked yesterday at blocks we can use to make a foundation for the shed if we want to put it under the magnolia tree in the front yard. We need to make it level. I have some places I want to make level here in the back yard too. There is a lot of work we need to do, and we need to get started on it. One thing we have to do is painting. We got the paint machine yesterday. We need first to finish sanding. We need to move furniture. The weather is perfect for painting now, so we no longer have the excuse of winter. We just have to get started.

Yesterday when we stopped by our daughter's house on our way home, I thought we would stay only a few minutes. Instead we stayed a few hours, and both she and we got to bed late. We stopped to get a big box of pictures she had. They are pictures we have accumulated over our fifty plus years of marriage and from our families before that. They are mostly unsorted, all in a box. Our daughter was once working on a project involving family pictures--putting some on discs, but she has had them a long time, and my husband has been wanting to look through them. So we stopped to bring them home. But first we ate with her and her husband. And then we started looking at the pictures together. There were pictures of our parents when they were young and we were babies. Pictures we had taken of our young family. Pictures of the memories I recently wrote about in my journal like a picture of us picnicking on our way to the Jersey shore when I was a child. Old pictures, old memories--they bring back the stories of our lives--camping with our children on Buggs Island Lake, the car loaded up ready to go, and the huge tent set up in our yard drying out after we came back. Children high in trees. Grandchildren when they were small and fewer. The one whose seventh birthday we just celebrated wasn't even born yet.

We ought to take some time to organize these pictures. To make albums. To make slide shows. to preserve and pass on these memories. So often recently we have been taking photos with our digital camera and never look at them again. It is easy now to take many photos. When we were younger, busier and poorer and had to buy and pay for film and slide processing, pictures were fewer and rarer. They are precious. Looking at my mother's photo album, I don't know who half of the people in them are; they are not labeled. My husband's grandmother put names to the pictures of her ancestors, but we still do not know who they are--what their stories are. We should organize and label our family pictures, and I should write the stories they tell so they will not be lost. Our memories and the lives we lived are preserved in our pictures and our stories. We need them both. But that's not a project I have time to work on this summer. This summer is for work around the house--painting, landscaping, doing things that need good weather, putting my house in order. When I get my house in order, when I ever get all caught up, that will be the time for organizing pictures--if my mind is clear enough by then to remember, to analyze and write it down. I don't have time to do it now, but I need to do it some time before time slips by and it is too late. Perhaps I can do a little every once in a while when I write my journal. I can look at one photo and tell its story.

A long and busy day

2007-05-09T18:03:41Z

It's been a long busy day. I didn't even go to my dance class this morning. But I did take a good walk this afternoon along the rail trail. I thought I'd have more time to write and meditate this afternoon, but somehow the hours filled themselves.

We drove our friend to the airport, and she got checked in quickly. We were able to see her off and not have to pay to park. I guess the first half hour is free. We went to Costco to get gas and spent quite a bit of time shopping around. We got oil for changing the oil in the car. It's just about time to do that again. Some of the things we didn't get finished for the 60,000 mile maintenance will now become part of the 65,000 mile maintenance. We got a power paint dispenser too and hope it will work for painting our porch. We want to paint the inside of the roof boards and beams and all the woodwork, so it will be a big job. Maybe it will be a little easier with this new machine. or at least a little more interesting.

We rambled through the Virginia countryside toward town to get to our favorite restaurant. We also stopped at the bread store, but it was closed on Mondays. By the time we finished, I had only an hour to walk on the trail to our Reiki appointment. It took an hour and five minutes. I was ready to relax with the Reiki treatment. Then we shopped around Home Depot, and now I am sitting in the car in front of our daughter's house. We got here before she did and were waiting for her. She is home now and my husband has gone in, but I am still sitting alone in the car finishing up my writing. It's starting to get a little dark. I'd better stop writing and go in.

If only I could sit here in the sunshine all day and listen to the birds and watch the trees..

2007-05-09T16:54:41Z

The sun is bright, the sky is clear blue, birds are singing joyfully. The trees are now so full that my spot in the back yard was all in shade, so my husband suggested I go out to the porch. The screens aren't in yet, so the full sun can shine in and I have nothing separating me from outdoors. When the breeze blows, wind chimes join the birdsong. From here I see treetops. Surrounding rooftops are almost completely blocked out by greenness. Seed pods and flower petals are falling from trees like gentle rain. A squirrel is scampering across the top of the fence below me. I am so grateful to be able to begin my day this quiet way, surrounded by nature, and not have to rush into the busyness of life without pausing to breathe in the sunshine. Treetops are swaying in the breeze and the wind chimes are pealing. I hear the rush of the wind. Even the page of my notebook is fluttering. And then all is still again. A single 'helicopter' from an oak tree spins to the ground. A small bird flies to the top of a vine that is climbing a pine tree. A changing panorama surrounds me with its beauty. Time stands still for me in this morning reflective time. For a brief time at least, the pressures of time do not exist. I do not have to hurry anywhere. I can just be here watching the trees swaying and listening to the wind and the song of the birds.

This afternoon our full moon group was scheduled to meet, but it won't. We are a very vital group when we meet, but it is getting harder and harder to come together. Other things seem to be taking priority in everyone's life. Still, today I will hold them in my heart and think about these women who have meant so much to me and have been an important part of my life. They have provided me with support and helped me in my spiritual journey. Perhaps the time has come for us to follow divergent paths. Perhaps we can still come together. Perhaps our relationship will take a new form. Whatever the future brings, I am thankful for what these women have brought to my life.

So instead of a commitment this afternoon, I have choices. This morning I will go to my creativity class at church. I hope to go early enough to have time to walk in the park before the class starts. From 11:30 to 1:30 our neighborhood citizens association is having a "Spring Fling". It sounds mainly for children, but it is for everyone in the neighborhood to come together. I can't be there the whole time because my class runs until 12:15 (or 12:30 by the time we clean up.) I'm not walking to church today because that would mean I would miss the Spring Fling entirely, but even so, I will only be there for the last half hour or so. Still I want to drop by to see my neighbors and lend my support to a neighborhood gathering. If I want to go to a third activity, I will have to leave promptly and hurry across town. My dance instructor is having a showing of some dances she is working on. It is called field work and it is a time for testing the new material with an audience and getting feedback. It is an important part of the development of a performance. I would like to go, and, on the other hand, I would like to skip it and have an afternoon at home with my husband. At the moment I am torn. I want to support my instructor who has given so much to me and our dance group. I want to see her work. I know I will learn from it. It is something I should go to. But, on the other hand, it seems that my life has been so busy and full lately that I need more time to be at home. I'm not looking for another activity to go to on this beautiful day. Which desire will win out, I don't know yet. There isn't time for everything and I need to make priorities.

My feeling right now is that what I'd love to do all day is just sit here in the sunshine in this treetop place and listen to birds and watch the trees sway in the breeze. But now it is time to move on and get on with the day. For everything there is a season,and the season for sitting in the sunlight has ended for this moment at least. It is time to stretch and eat and shower and get ready to leave for my class or I will not have time to take a walk in the park before my class.

Being without electricity has its drawbacks, but there are also some advantages

2007-05-09T16:30:29Z

When I woke up this morning, I had trouble seeing the numbers on the alarm clock by my bed. I thought I was just very sleepy and my eyes weren't focusing yet, but it was that the power was out. My husband said it had just gone out. Now 1 1/2 hours later, it is still out. It is amazing how much we depend on our electricity. You do not realize it until you are without it. Luckily I wasn't dependent on the alarm clock to wake me up. I generally wake naturally when I need to. But this morning waking up was hard. I thought it was later than it really was, that I had overslept and would have to hurry. We are going to our son's house this morning and planned to leave at 9:30. If I stay on schedule I may be able to take my walk before we leave. Without electricity, I don't have the distraction of the computer to slow me down. Without electricity, I will have to have a cold breakfast, fortunately not a cold shower. If power is not restored before we leave, we will have to unhook the garage door opener and push up the door manually and then, after the car is out, jam the mechanism so others won't be able to open it. Then we'll have to go out the front door. But this time, we will have the keys to get back in. When we come home, we will have to remember not to use the garage door opener.

Without electricity, I also notice the things I don't need electric power for. I have a clock on my telephone, so I don't need electricity to tell me the time. We don't require an electric water pump, so we have water and water pressure. We can have water to drink and we can take showers. We don't have electric power to heat it for tea. I guess I could use hot unfiltered water from the faucet and just let my tea brew a little longer. I don't need electricity to do any of my morning meditative things--I've done my stretching and my meditation. It is daylight, so I can sit and write. Television and radio can not turn on, so it is silent; not even the circulating pump for the hot tub is humming. I can enjoy the silence and hear the birds. For the things that really matter to me in the morning, I don't need electricity.

The sun is starting to come to my yard, but it is still very cloudy. It looks as if the clouds may settle down to the horizon later. There is a bright patch of blue overhead, but most of the sky is covered with a blanket of clouds. It is like one of those thermal blankets with air spaces, and patches of blue are showing through the spaces in the cloud blanket.

Today we will be going to the country to see twelve of our grandchildren and celebrate the birthday of the seven-year-old. We'll see the baby animals. Perhaps the puppies are now born. I may get a look at the kittens and see whether I will want one, though my husband pointed out a message on our listserve that offered calico kittens. He said he though I might like to have a calico kitten. I need to decide whether I really want to have a kitten at all. I will if I see it and hold it, but I think we'd rather have a puppy. I have not been offered one of those.

Celebrating a Friend's Birthday

2007-05-05T01:44:38Z

The sun isn't shining on my patio. The tree at the bottom of the yard has enough leaves now to block the direct sunlight until the sun rises higher and is more east. I'm sitting in dappled sunlight, and it is a little cool. I have a sweatshirt on. It's going to be a beautiful day. The sky is blue with flecks of cloud puffs. Everything is so green. Birds are singing in surround sound. A fragrance is in the air; I think it is from my bright pink tree peonies. I've moved my chair to a sunnier spot by the new fence separating the hot tub from the rest of the yard. Maybe I don't want to plant a bush here after all. Perhaps I could make a small area of flat stones for a small sitting area. I remember reading that you can plant chamomile between blocks and it will stay low growing and fragrant. I have more ideas than energy to do them I think.

We had a nice day yesterday celebrating our friend's birthday. We went to Hains Point to see the Awakening statue. I wanted to be sure to see it again before they move it. It is such a great statue with the giant awakening and rising out of the earth and is in a wonderful setting near the water. It's lots of fun for kids to go to. They can climb on the statue's arms and slide down his legs. I'm going to be sorry to see it moved. It has been there for about twenty years. It was supposed to be there a shorter time than that. The sculptor wanted to donate it to the Park Service so it could remain there permanently, but the parks declined. Still it remained for years. Now the developer of a plush harbor-front development has purchased it to showcase the entrance to his development. We will still be able to go to look at it in its new setting I guess, but I doubt that throngs of kids will be able to go and climb on it once it is moved. It is a great loss to the public, and I'm surprised there is not more of an outcry. We've been to see this statue numerous times, but it turns out that our friend, although she lived in Washington for years before she moved to Florida, had never seen it before. So it was a nice birthday treat, and I'm glad she got to see it before it got moved. Perhaps sometime a few years in the future, when the new harbor development is built, we will be able to take her to see the statue again in its new setting and explore the harbor development.

Our friend had never seen the FDR Memorial either, so we went there next. It is one of the most beautiful and fitting memorials in this city of monuments and memorials. However, it always makes me sad to go there and see how so much of what FDR started is being undone, to read his noble beliefs and statements and think about what is happening today in our country and in the world. Going there is both uplifting and depressing at the same time. We really need to turn our country around and get a new vision of respect and care for all people, better programs to help the poor instead of the rich, and a striving toward harmony instead of hatred and war.

We stopped to eat in our own Silver Spring town center and had a leisurely late lunch, or early dinner, repast. It was a nice meal, but we didn't have any cake for dessert to celebrate our friend's birthday, and we didn't sing "happy birthday" to her. I don't think any of us had room enough for dessert, and we were eager to move on to Brookside Gardens. By the time we got to the gardens, after stopping at a store to do a brief errand, the conservatory was closed. I don't think there would have been much to see there anyway because they are getting ready for the butterfly show that starts this weekend. We walked through the gardens, over stepping stones over the water, to the peaceful restorative Japanese garden pavilion and found the new labyrinth which she and I walked. I walk labyrinths fairly often, but I don't think she had ever walked one before, so walking the labyrinth was another birthday treat. All in all, it was a wonderful way to celebrate a birthday, for us and for her. I am glad we had the joy of celebrating her day with her.

This labyrinth has been there for about a year, I believe, and I have been meaning to go to walk it but never got around to it before even though it is only a few miles from my home. Walking it in that beautiful setting by the water and the Japanese pavilion was a special treat for me too; I think I will try to do it on some sort of a regular basis. There is no reason I can't go there and take my walk in the garden and the nearby woods and then walk the labyrinth every once in a while instead of taking my usual walk in the park.

Today though I will take my "usual" walk in the park. I have been walking some every day this week, but not in the park. Monday and Tuesday I walked in azalea gardens, yesterday around the monuments and Brookside Garden, and Wednesday I walked to church and back, but I haven't been in my own park at all the whole week. I'm looking forward to being there again. It's nice to walk in new places, but there is something at least as wonderful about walking regularly in the same place and seeing the changes that take place day to day in a familiar place. More and more, I am finding the wonder and joy in the familiar and commonplace.

Oh , what a beautiful morning!

2007-05-03T07:40:38Z

Oh, what a beautiful morning! There is a breeze and wisteria blossoms are dropping and blowing on me. My tree peony flowers are in full bloom. Bees are having a treat. Butterflies are back. Birds are singing, and a squirrel is scolding. Everything is lush and green and growing. My heart is singing too. My energy is growing with the enthusiasm of spring. What a beautiful world. A bright red cardinal just landed to swing on a wisteria vine, and it is now hopping on the lawn near where I am writing. I guess the blossoms attract the insects, and the insects attract the birds. The birds and the blossoms (not the insects) certainly attract me. What a blessing this beautiful May day is. It's a great day to be walking to our meeting at church. I have to hurry (always having to hurry it seems) so I can get started in time to walk the 4 1/2 miles and get there on time for the start of the meeting.

Yesterday, after we left the reservoir, we drove to the azalea gardens at the dam. The azaleas were in bloom, but not all of them were out yet. This is the second day this week--the second day in a row actually--I got to walk up and down hills among the azaleas. I don't remember an abundance of azaleas when I was growing up. We had rhododendrons, but not azaleas. Here they are everywhere in spring. Perhaps azaleas are what I should plant in the shady bed by this patio and along the new fence. My walks among the azaleas were vigorous but not as long as my usual walk in the park. They involved hill climbing instead of the park trail's relative flatness. Today, when I walk to and from my meeting at church, I'll make up for the shorter distance of the past few days and I'll have both park trails and hills. I'm so glad that I have this wonderful weather to walk in.

Today is my grandson's seventh birthday. He is our son's 8th child. He has 7 older siblings and four younger ones. He is a delight. I remember that when we took care of the children when his next youngest sibling was born, he walked around everywhere holding my hand. He was my sweet little boy--my baby. Now he is growing older--taller, and slimmer. He has lost his toddler plumpness and sweetness and is becoming fully a boy. He is full of energy, mischief, and curiosity. He is still a delight. It is wonderful to be able to see my grandchildren grow. I am fortunate. This morning I sent him an e-card. Saturday we will go up to the country to celebrate his birthday.

Tomorrow is the birthday of a friend who is in town for a short visit. She was scheduled to go home yesterday, but her stay in town has been extended a week. She will celebrate her birthday here this year. I hope we can take her on some kind of special outing for her birthday--drive her someplace she would like to see again before she leaves. I offered to take her out for a birthday dinner, but she seems reluctant to do that. I hope she can think of something special she'd like to do. I can't pick her a bouquet of lilacs to brighten her condo because she is allergic to their pollen. Birthdays are a good time to remember what a blessing friends and family are.

May Day on the Water

2007-05-03T07:18:43Z

'Tis the merry , merry month of May! Four months of this year have already passed. Winter is past. Everything is alive again. The trees are this bright spring green. It's an exuberant time, full of color and lush bloom. Yesterday we went to the Arboretum to see the azalea gardens. I think they were at their prime. Only a few bushes were not yet in bloom, and only a few had wilted blooms. Some were still in bud, but most were in full bloom. And the day was beautiful--warm and sunny in the mid 80's. I forgot to drive by to see if the experimental lilacs were blooming. Our friends were in a hurry to leave and get home. Our lilacs are blooming, but my lilac bush is not in the best of health. At the far end of the yard, actually leaning into our neighbor's yard, we have white lilacs. I will try to remember when we get home to pick some lilacs and bring them into the house so we can enjoy their wonderful fragrance. When I was a child, lilacs bloomed on Mother's Day, and I used to pick a bouquet to take to our neighbor. Here we are farther south, and they are blooming at the beginning of May when the azaleas bloom.

We are at the reservoir in our boat up a creek surrounded by woods. Birds are twittering overhead and flying all round and singing exuberantly. We are stopped to eat lunch. The breeze is blowing our boat up the creek in the dappled sunshine. The breeze is much stronger than the current. At the end of this navigable section we can see water coming into the creek flowing over rocks, shimmering in the sunlight. We are about half a mile from a main road, but it feels like we are in pristine wilderness. It is very peaceful here. Fallen leaves and other tree droppings are floating on the water, but the water is very clear and we can see all of the stones and leaves that are on the bottom.

Trees along the reservoir have all greened since the last time we were here. A few bright wild azaleas and a number of bright white dogwoods are sprinkled amid the greenness of the shoreline. Coming into the cove, we passed turtles basking on logs at the water's edge. A heron flew overhead. I saw a large fish jump straight up out of the water to catch an insect. In this cove, we saw an animal swimming--a furry animal, not a fish or a turtle. It was long and thin. When I first saw it, I thought it was a soda bottle, half filled with dirt, floating near the surface, but my husband pointed out that it was an animal. It was too small to be a beaver although it was swimming in the cove we have dubbed "the Beaver Cove" because of all of the trees downed by beavers. We could see its small head sticking up at the surface. It looked like pictures of mink, but I don't think we have mink here. I'll have to see what we have in Maryland that looks like that. (I have since decided that it must have been a muskrat.)
On Sunday, I danced around the Maypole as we wove our wishes for the healing of the earth and for ourselves. We never get it woven perfectly, but this time it looked the most neatly woven it has ever looked. We laughed a lot while we were weaving in and out. Someone said, "This is serious business." Every serious thing needs room for laughter. We need always to be able to laugh at ourselves. I am glad I was with a group that appreciates laughter amid their spirituality. We need to be mindful of healing the earth and others, but healing really begins with ourselves. We need to heal ourselves before we can reach out to help others. Being with a group like this is one of the ways I heal myself. We minister to each other, and sometimes we bring each other laughter.

The abundance of springtime

2007-05-03T06:50:07Z

I didn't walk all the way to church this morning, but I walked half way--45 minutes--and I'll walk all the way back home. It is a beautiful sunny day, full of flowers and greenness. Dogwoods are in bloom. None I have seen are as huge as the dogwood in our yard when I was a child. It was huge. Or perhaps I was small. There are wild white dogwoods--the state emblem of my native state of Pennsylvania--and cultivated pink dogwoods. The tree in my yard when I grew up was the white kind. The tree in the yard I live in now started out as a volunteer wild white dogwood, but somehow, through the years, its blooms have been affected by the pink dogwoods that grow abundantly in our neighborhood, and its petals are now neither pure white nor the bright pink of the cultivated dogwoods. Instead, it is still white but with a hint of pink. Like me--wild inside but touched by the pink of society.

A bumblebee is buzzing beneath the bench where I am sitting in the church courtyard. It just brushed against my legs and is now investigating me. I don't think it will find any sweet honey, so it will soon leave. Bumblebees are odd creatures. I can't imagine how something so heavy looking can fly, but fly it does. Nobody told it that it wasn't aerodynamically designed, so it just did what came naturally and flew.

In the park coming here there were lots of wild flowers, and coming up the hill to the church I crossed a large field of yellow and purple. Dew from the grass caressed my feet in their sandals. There were two Canada Geese standing in the creek. People's yards abound with bright pink azaleas and pink and white dogwoods. Spring is a wonderful amazing time in Washington. spring is a wonderful and amazing time period. Everywhere. it is time to celebrate the miracle of life. Of birth and rebirth. Today I am going to go to a Mayfest and wear a crown of ivy and flowers and weave my wishes and hopes for the year. Spring is a time of optimism. Somewhere I read that optimism is "like springtime for the spirit."

Never enough time except to sit here in the sunshine

2007-04-28T16:26:17Z

It's cool, cloudy, but the sun is trying to come out. Birds are singing with great enthusiasm. Everything is very green--that special green that comes only in spring when the world is fresh and new. There are still flowers on the redbud, but they are overpowered by the green of the leaves. A breeze is blowing. Trees are dropping their seed petals. Most of our dandelions got mowed down when we mowed the lawn, but a few have formed their globes of puffy seeds.

We were successful in completing putting up the section of fence sheltering the hot tub. A surprise redbud sprung up behind where the fencing had been propped against the back porch. I will need to plant some plants near the new fencing now. I have several places I can plant, including the small shaded bed next to this patio. Both of the small rhododendrons I once planted have died, and I finally removed the dead body of the last of them the other day. I will need to observe more, on a sunnier morning than this one, just how the new piece of fencing affects how much sunlight the areas I want to plant in get. I want to plant bushes and perennials, but perhaps for this year I will just plant a few annuals, or maybe I can find a place for one or two tomato plants. There's nothing like home grown tomatoes.

Today was our alternate day for going to the water this week, but we are not going to go because it is not such a great day for boating-cloudy with a good chance of rain later. It's a better day for getting some work done around home--working on the car especially or in the yard. But first I want to go on an outing to the National Geographic in D.C. I read yesterday about a Japanese Garden display there I'd like to see, but it ends tomorrow. Tomorrow is too crowded a day to go, so if I want to see it, today's the day. I think my husband would just as soon stay home and work. I could go by myself as an Artist's Date, but it is nice having some fun things and outings we can do together. I don't think he would get any more accomplished if he stayed home by himself if I was not home to work with him.

The sun is coming out more now, and it really feels good to be sitting here in the yard in the sunshine and hearing the birdsong. Today I need again to try to call my friend. She has asked me to dance as part of the circle casting for tomorrow's Mayfest, and I need to clarify what she envisions. Imagine that it is going to be May in just a few days! This year has moved along so quickly and I don't feel that I've accomplished very much. I'd be better off staying home and working today than going to see Japanese Gardens at the National Geographic, but I love Japanese gardens, and this display will be gone after tomorrow. So, as often happens in my life, work will have to wait a few more days. Tomorrow I have my class at church in the morning and the Mayfest later. Monday is the last day our friend from Florida is here, and we're planning an outing to see the azaleas at the National Arboretum. The azaleas are only in bloom once a year, and she is leaving again on Tuesday. Work will be here still. I just need to be sure to schedule time for it. Time for work, time for fitness activities, time for things that renew us and make us whole, time for family and friends. If only I had more time. That seems to be the lament of my life. Right now it is the time for being here in my back yard in the morning sunshine doing my morning activities--writing, stretching and body work, meditating--before I start my day.

Writing of death and dying on a dreary grey morning

2007-04-28T05:25:21Z

It was a cool, rainy dreary morning, an appropriate morning for the subject of death and dying in our writing group. We started out talking about our first experiences with death. Since my parents had a child two years before I was born who died when he was only a few days old, death was present in our house before I was even born. We regularly went to the cemetery to put flowers on my brother Johnny's grave and take care of it. It didn't consume my parents, but it was a part of our lives. The first person I knew who died was my father's uncle Charlie. He lived with us when I was born, but wasn't living with us at the time he died. He used to come to visit us. He took the trolley and walked the rest of the way to our house, and I used to run and skip down the street to meet him and walk back holding his hand. Next to my parents, Uncle Charlie was the most important person in my early life. I called him "Uncle Dolly" because I couldn't pronounce Charlie. He had a wife and son, but he didn't live with them because he and his wife didn't get along. Uncle Charlie got along better with my mother than he did with my father. He was the closest I came to having a grandfather. After he got sick, he didn't come any more, and when I was four or five years old, he died. I was told he died, but I was too young to go to the funeral, but I wished I could have. When we went to my brother's grave, we sometimes went to see Uncle Charlie's too, but his was harder to find. They were buried in the same shady cemetery. I think I was too young at the time to understand what death really was. I did know I missed Uncle Charlie, but I missed him already after he moved away and even more after he got sick and didn't come to see us any more.

When I was in elementary school, one of our classmates died during the summer. I didn't know him very well and he was not one of my friends or that generally well liked. I felt sorry but I didn't really feel any particular loss or distress when the teacher gathered us together and told us of his death. His death must have struck one of my closer friends more, because at our 50th high school reunion she recalled how upset she was when one of the boys said "Well at least it wasn't one of the good kids." It was a terrible thing to say, but I didn't think it was that odd a thing for a second grader to feel relief that it wasn't one off his good friends had died. Perhaps we were all glad it wasn't us or one of our best friends, and he was the only one with the courage to express it. It was a different situation when one of my junior high school classmates was hit by a car and died crossing the highway near our school. He was a very likable popular boy who always had a joke and a kind word for everyone. He sat across the aisle from me in algebra class. One day we were in class kidding around and the next he was dead. I think this was the first time I really felt the reality of death, death not of someone old and sick or someone I didn't know, but of someone like me, a friend. The whole class went to the service for his funeral and we all cried and felt a loss. None of these deaths involved going to a viewing of a body. I don't think I went to a funeral where I viewed a body until my own father died when I was thirty years old. Growing up I was pretty much sheltered from the stark reality of death and not expected to attend funerals.

In class we read a poem, "When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver, and selected a line that spoke to us to use as a starting line for writing. Here's what I wrote:

""I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument." When death comes, I want to be ready, accept it, and feel that my life has been full. My mother wasn't sighing or frightened or full of argument, but she was tired, ready for death, just waiting for it to come. I don't want to be like that. I want to live my life fully until I die. I don't want to give up on life. I want to be ready for death when it comes, but I'd rather feel more like my father than my mother. He did argue--or rather was sad at the thought of dying. He said "I'm not ready to die yet-I still have a lot of things I want to do." I still want to have things I'd like to stay around to do--still live fully up to the last minute--but I want to feel satisfied that the life I lived was a good one and I didn't need any more. I don't, like my father, want to feel that I'm not ready yet for death. I want to experience it and be fully aware of the experience of dying. I don't want to be sighing or frightened of dying. I want to think of it as another experience and adventure and the natural end of my life on earth. "

My father lived in pain for many years before he died, but he loved life and wanted more, even with all his pain. He had lots of plans. He died alone in a hospital. I'd prefer to have his attitude toward life, but I would prefer my mother's death. She fell over dead while she was making herself a cup of tea, independent and capable to the end. No long illness or lingering. It was a shock, unexpected, but I think it is the way she would have wanted it. I don't think either of my parents were frightened of dying, and neither am I. For the first year or so after I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought I was going to die, and I came to an acceptance of it. I no longer found myself sighing and frightened or full of argument. I accepted that I might die, and as soon as I did that, I realized too, how much I loved life. I was determined to live life fully as long as I had. I did not give up on life. And life did not give up on me. It has been almost twelve years since that cancer diagnosis, and I'm still alive and living life fully each day. Somehow at the same time that I recognized my mortality and accepted it, I also realized the joy of living and the value of life. I still could eventually die of my cancer or of some other disease or I could be struck down by a car tomorrow. I now know I am not immortal. But realizing you are mortal makes life all the more precious.

Flowering and growth

2007-04-26T18:20:50Z

It is yet another perfect morning. A mockingbird is singing enthusiastically. Traffic on the Beltway is humming along smoothly. Bees and insects are buzzing about. Wisteria blossoms droop heavily from the vine. Soon my peony bush will be in bloom. This is the plant I received about the time our grandson who will be seven in a week or so was born, so my peony bush must now be seven years old. It seems to flourish without much attention although it is now starting to be crowded out by the butterfly bush. I think I have planted some things too close together. More leaves are out on the redbud now. This transplanted tree is also flourishing. It grew up right next to our house, through a space between slabs of slate on a patio. Our son's old Ford Mustang was parked on that patio, and the bush grew up in the small space between the car and the house. When our son finally removed the car and we decided to build a flat area there for our new hot tub, we removed the slate blocks and also the tree. Removing the tree was a remarkable job. The root of the redbud was very long--about 10 feet long--and grew sideways. Instead of growing down into the dirt below, the roots of the redbud grew sideways under the slate slabs towards the downspout. In order to replant it, we had to dig a long trench for the root. I couldn't really imagine it could grow and survive, but I loved this valiant tree and wanted to save it. We held it up with rope and stakes to keep it upright, and surprisingly it did revive and grow. Only the topmost branches died back. When spring came, it bloomed and has been blooming year after year. Nature is resilient.

The wisteria vine above me is another story. I bought it many years ago in a small pot at an Audubon Society plant sale. It grew and grew, but it never flowered. It seemed healthy, but its beginning was very slow. It may have been over seven years before we saw it bloom. Now it blooms every year with its graceful purple drooping blossoms. It is growing up a tulip tree, and its blossoms intermingle with the leaves of the tree. But sometimes this vine can be too persistent. It grew and grew and at one time crushed a metal downspout in the front of our house. It takes over everything near it and needs constant watching so it will not strangle trees and bushes. It spreads out and sends out new growth that forms new roots. If you are not vigilant, it will take over. My husband has a walking stick that has naturally formed grooves and swirls where the wisteria vine wrapped itself around the branch of a crabapple tree and the tree had to grow around it. It is powerful in its crushing. You'd never think such a beautiful delicate-looking vine could be so destructive. We can't let it grow freely wherever it wants, or it will take over and destroy anything around it. Although its rampant growth takes more effort than I am able to muster to keep it in control, I can't bring myself to remove it because I admire its persistence and love its graceful flowers. Since I want to keep its beauty, I have learned to live with its spreading nature, and when it gets too out of control I wield the snippers. I'm not yet ready to eradicate it from my life any more than I want to dig out my dandelions, but I do want to take the mower to the long growths of garlic in my lawn. And I do want to put up the section of fence that is leaning against the porch and blocking the sunlight from my clematis. I hope it is not too late, and the clematis has not gotten too wound around the pickets of the fence.

The plants in my garden are like the garden of my life. Some things appear spontaneously like the redbud did; some need careful nurturing; some have special needs to allow them to grow; some things like my wisteria vine tend to take over your life and try to crowd out everything else if you are not vigilant; some things that seem beautiful and wonderful can be destructive; things that seem delicate can really be resilient and have a hidden strength; some commonplace things like my dandelions that people even think of as weeds can have their own beauty and bring brightness to your life; some things need to be mowed or eradicated altogether; and sometimes things just need to be shifted around. In order for things to grow the way you want them to, you need to pay constant attention and give the care that is needed. Life requires constant vigilance.

A lazy almost summer day

2007-04-25T05:31:33Z

There are white puffy clouds in a soft blue sky. The bumblebees are buzzing around the wisteria. Up the street some kind of machine is making a disturbing sound. Perhaps someone is mowing their lawn. That is what we need to do, and we should do it today. I am feeling lazy. I haven't even taken my walk yet. It's a good day--another good day--for walking. Almost too warm. I feel like I'm getting a cold--achy, slight sore throat, tired. Perhaps it is just that I didn't get enough sleep. I am falling behind in everything and the way I catch up is by staying up late. That is not really a good choice because then I don't feel like doing anything the next day and I get behind again. My neck feels stiff. I think what I really need is to move around more. I'm looking at the bottom of the yard and thinking we need to put our new compost bin together. Then when we mow the lawn, we can put the grass clippings in it. That sounds like a nice low-key thing to do this afternoon. Maybe we can work up to mowing the lawn gradually. It looks pretty awful though.

We are expecting our daughter to stop by later this afternoon when she's in our area for a visit to her oncologist. She had a scary sonogram, and the follow-up CT scan was ambiguous. She's taking a copy of the CT scan to her doctor for him to look at. I hope he will be able to clarify things and she will soon have some answers. It does not appear that there is anything to worry about, but the uncertainty is still worrisome. Our daughter was the first in our family to get a cancer diagnosis, and it has been twelve years since her surgery. She has been fine these twelve years, and there is really no reason to feel that her strange tests are anything more serious than her body's reaction to menopause. I know from my own experience that tests can make things seem alarming when there is really nothing to be concerned about at all. But once you have had cancer, everything can be alarming. Advances in medical science give us a lot of answers, but sometimes they create more questions. It is amazing to me how little doctors sometimes seem to know. Living with uncertainty seems to be one of the lessons we need to learn as we go through life.

It must be rush hour already. There is a very loud helicopter flying very slowly along the Beltway not far from my house. It stayed loud and close for such a long time that I thought it must be a medical helicopter getting ready to land on the field in the park near the hospital. Our nearby hospital does not have a heli-pad. Ambulances bring patients back and forth to and from helicopters that land in the field. The helicopter seems to be going along the same area and getting lower, so I don't really understand what is going on. Now it is less loud, so perhaps it is moving on.

Birds on the wing, birdsong in the air!

2007-04-24T09:05:40Z

Today it feels like summer. The sky is clear and the sun is bright and hot. Our wisteria is beginning to bloom. Soon we will have lots of bumble bees buzzing around our back yard. Our single iris has finished its bloom. The redbud is still in bloom, and its leaves are greening. Redbud is really more purple than red--magenta. I think the trees with red seedlings are maples. A cardinal is singing his song of Cheer, cheer, cheer, cheer cheer.

Yesterday when I was walking, I heard a lot of birds singing. A few I recognized, most I did not recognize from their song. I thought it would be nice to be able to recognize more of them. I liked thinking, "I hear a cardinal." I had similar thoughts in the afternoon as I saw new birds I wondered about as we went around the reservoir in our small boat. It was a perfect day to be on the water, and I felt particularly blessed with such a wonderful day. As we entered a cove, we saw a large bird on a limb high over the water. At first my heart skipped a beat when I thought it might be the eagle we had seen in this cove once before several years ago. At closer look, it looked more like an osprey, still a pretty majestic sentinel for the little cove. We watched him soar after we got too close and he flew. Later we saw a red-tailed hawk soaring above us. The red of its tail was remarkable as the sun shone through it. As we pulled up to a shore to anchor while we ate our lunch, I saw two small birds hopping under the bushes and eating insects. I think they were tufted titmouses (titmice?). They were easy to overlook. Their colors blended with the dappled sunshine on the forest floor and the bush they were under. As we left the cove, we saw a majestic heron and, swimming nearby, two unusual looking ducks. One had a large brown tuft of feathers flowing backwards so she looked almost like she was wearing a wig. The other had a smooth black head. Both had long red beaks. When I looked them up, I found out they were mergansers. Mostly on this reservoir we see only mallards or those strange thinner black diving ducks with the long necks. I wonder whether there are more varieties of birds to be seen during this transition migratory period or whether these mergansers will stay. It was certainly a day blessed with a wide variety of interesting birds I don't usually see.

Hearing unfamiliar birds on my walk and seeing new birds on our boat ride got me to wondering about familiarity and mystery. I wanted to be able to identify the birds I heard and saw. I wanted to know what they were, but another part of me just wanted to enjoy hearing their song and seeing their beauty. Is it better to learn all about the new birds--look them up in my bird book, learn to identify their song, become more familiar with what is around me--or is it enough just to wonder and be awed by what I see or hear--to revel in the mystery of it? Perhaps the secret is to see the mystery in the familiar and find the familiar in the mysterious.